An opportunity of being an idiot

January 26, 2010

My husband sucks, I have decided last night. We walked the dogs, he said something that made me really upset. I wasn’t sure why I was upset exactly, but I knew I was, and I knew it was because of what he said, or the way he said it. He wouldn’t listen to me telling him how wrong he was. When I tried to point out how he was making up stories, putting words in my mouth, he would tell me that I was getting aggressive – a smoke screen, I was sure, to not have to admit his own faults. I stomped off to bed, taking the upset with me. Christopher was getting worse and worse by a second. He was selfish, thoughtless, unwilling to look into himself, unwilling to admit that he was wrong. He was expecting me to always be perfect so that he didn’t have to deal with my upset. It was all up to me – to be present, to be aware, to work on my issues – he would do nothing! I finally exhausted myself into sleep and woke up no less angry and resentful, so I decided we have to have a talk. And we did. I talked about Christopher’s problems and about how unwilling he is to talk about them, how he always tries to focus on me. I told him all about how he isn’t willing, isn’t able, isn’t interested in taking any responsibility for anything. I told him all about how all he wants to talk about is me. He didn’t say much. I didn’t think he needed to say much. I already knew what he was going to say. Eventually He managed to say something, something that sunk in somehow because all of a sudden I stopped talking. All of a sudden I begun to listen. And then I pulled a blanket over my head in mortification, because I realized what a monumental full I’ve made of myself. What a ridiculous, deluded idiot with a superiority complex I was. But I did not see myself in this light last night or this morning. I saw a problem, a big problem, a real problem in our marriage, in Christopher. I saw the injustice of me always doing all the work and him just enjoying the results, I felt the weight of the noble burden of responsibility that those better, more enlightened, more conscious beings (like myself) must carry uncomplaining. What can be expected of the poor, little, unconscious souls after all? They do the best they can, God knows. But it’s oh, such a burden! … I thought. There I was with everything being a problem, with strain and pain, with the world being unjust and myself having to save it. Until I realized the depth of my idiocy … and the world changed. I looked at Christopher and saw a wonderful human being. A man who was willing to sit in front of me, being present with me telling him how unwilling he is to be present. A man who would face me calmly, as I was telling him how unwilling he is to look into himself, to work on himself. A man who would listen quietly to me telling him that our relationship is based on my holding space for it and making it safe for him … as a superior being that I am. Suddenly it became clear to me what presence and awareness this man must have exercised to be able to sit in front of me and listen … and not to kill me on the spot. Suddenly I had a wonderful husband and a fantastic marriage and the world was beautiful. All for a very small price – the realization of what an idiot I was. As I was making breakfast later this morning I thought: how would it be if everyone could see that? How would it be if democrats could see that they are superior idiots, and that republicans are great men and women with a wonderful intelligence, resourcefulness and capacity? How would it be if republicans could see that they are superior idiots, and that democrats are deeply carrying people with love for this planet and it’s occupants and a passion to make being in the world more fun for everyone? How would it be if, in the now famous “Avatar” movie, the Na’vi people could see that they are superior idiots, and that people from earth have great intelligence and wonderful spirit to grow and discover new things? How would it be if the humans could see that they are superior idiots, and that the Na’vis have a great presence and connection to nature that allows them to be alive in ways that humans can’t even imagine? How would it be if the new-age spiritual people could see that they are superior idiots, and that the “normal” people have wonderful drive to develop, to grow, to make the society stronger, more open and vibrant? How would it be if the business people could see that they are superior idiots, and that they new-age spiritual people have a way to connect to the earth, to themselves, to deepen their awareness, to open their presence to unlimited opportunities for having fun in the world? How would it be? How would it be if humans could see that they are superior idiots, and that nature has an amazing presence, a way of being absolutely and beautifully and only what it is? How would it be if all those who want to save Earth could see that they are superior idiots, and that Earth, and it’s expression in nature, is an enormously present and powerful being who can help them open, grow, develop? How would it be? World changed when I realized what a superior idiot I am. It used to be a problem that had to be fixed, solved, saved. Now the world is perfectly, absolutely wonderful. Now I am free to enjoy it.

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