Born Again Pausha

August 24, 2008

I just got back from my session with Brooks. It is customary for me to feel like I just got put through a very intense cycle of washing, drying and ironing after my sessions with Brooks. Today there is an extra intensity to this particular set of sensations, today I feel like I need to die and get born again … become a born again Pausha 🙂 I feel that there is a new element to my growing process, and that is actually putting what I learned and what I became into practice. At some point I said to Brooks: I am a “closet God”. I am who I am inside, but outside I am whatever I was trained to be. Whatever I believe is safe to be. Whatever I think people will want me to be. I realized again that there is a point in my “spiritual practice” where I either become what I am, fully and completely, or I’ll start falling back, away from myself, into the mind, very rapidly. There is a split I’ve been experiencing in my life, and I know I am not the only one, it is the old “body and spirit” dilemma. I can feel this split as a tangible rift, I see that it is a lack of presence. This split happens when I am not wholly and completely myself – inside and as my body. I can feel very clearly that it is not enough for me to understand who I am, to feel who I am, to experience who I am. It is not enough for me to learn, to read, to practice – I have to be it. Become it. Fully, completely and only. Out in the world where everyone can see me. Out in the society in which I don’t fit anymore. Out in the reality controlled and organized by mind, which has nothing to do with who I am. I have to be myself. I have to allow my reality to reorganize in ways that makes absolutely no sense from the mind’s point of view, or from the society’s point of view. I need to relate in a way that no one else have ever related before. Because no one else has ever been ME before. I have to be born again. As me.

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