Find Out What You Want – Step #6

May 31, 2013

Yeah, screw that! Really! I know that I should be writing an inspiring story here about how wonderful it is to change, and see, and discover … blah, blah blah!

It isn’t wonderful. It sucks. It’s hard and makes you unsettled, uprooted and homesick. I am homesick, big time.

Tonight.

I want to go home, back home, back to the other side of the world, to the other continent, to the other country where it’s warm and sunny, where it doesn’t rain all the time, where I can see the feathery palm trees and ocean sparkling in the sun from my windows. I want to go back to the place that is so terribly, drastically different from where I came from that … that I can forget where I came from. No, I don’t even have to forget — it simply doesn’t exist.

I want to go back to that other life, the second life, to that home where Pausha lived in ease and comfort, where she knew who she was and where she was, and what worked how. Where she knew the rules.

I am homesick tonight. Very, very homesick and, tonight, I want to tell you this: if you think that moving to the south of France is a grand adventure full of pleasures and delights, well — think again!

It is hard and it sucks to … to lose the Pausha I created to defend myself from myself.

It is hard to have to face me without the cushy comforts of a sunny paradise.

It is hard to have all the padding and defenses striped away, to stand naked and alone in front of myself, for myself to see and to know.

It is necessary, yes. It is how presence grows and how God becomes God, yes. It is all that but…

but it sucks, and it is hard, and I don’t want to!

I want to go home!

Tonight.

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