Let Me be Me

July 21, 2008

I walk around at night lately. It is amazing how reality changes – humans and their creations are asleep, nature is all-encompasingly present. I find that I become wild, naturally and spontaneously, at night. I feel the presence of trees and plants as tangibly and clearly as the presence of a human being and I belong there. I am part of it, I am at home. It changes when I come inside, mind’s structures becomes more pronounced, thoughts spin around and take over. The sense of wildness fades away. I thought today about who I am, and who I am in reality, how I show up in the world. Who I am has nothing to do with this house, this work, this structure, this society. Who I am is much larger, much more, much bigger. Who I am is boundless, free and unique. There is no place, not category, no “box” in existence that could hold and contain me. There is no structure in existence that could accommodate me. I realized today that it’s not enough to know who I am. I have to also show up as who I am. It is all in relationship, to myself and to the world. I am either myself only, inside and out, inside my life, and out, inside my reality, and out, or I am not. I have to create my own life and my own reality, as an expression of me, completely and fully. Therefore the process of me being who I am is not only about me and how I experience my life, it is also about everybody and everything I am in relationships with. We exist only in relationship, Brooks says. Me being who I am is me being in relationship in a particular way. It is me being in relationship to the reality, to myself, but also to other people, to the society, to mind-created structures. When I change who I am I don’t only change who I am for myself – I also change who I am for others. Their experience of me changes completely. I realized today that there is fear of being who I am in relationship with others. Especially in relationships that are very precious to me, like my marriage or my friendships, or inside of structures that are considered important, like a job. There is the fear that if I am fully and only myself it will be just to weird for the other person to handle. I have to at least pretend that I am “like everyone else” so that everyone else can “deal with me”. As I saw this fear clearly a thought came: I can take responsibility here. I can take responsibility for how I am received, I can take responsibility for making the experience of me safe and accessible for others, I can help them be with me. I can take responsibility for how my husband receives me, I can take responsibility for how my parents receive me, how my friends receive me. When I don’t do that – I only experience myself in the rare and special moments when it seems safe: with my teacher, during retreats, playing with trees at midnight. When I do that I change the world. There is nothing but a total and absolute freedom to be only who I am.

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