Look! Look! Look!

April 18, 2013

Oh, it is such a nonsense! And it makes me so frustratingly angry! This does not exists, that does not exist, nothing exists, it’s just an illusion, the whole thing is an illusion and I am not even here, I don’t exists. There is only one, uniform, featureless blob that, for some reason, I should call “sacred”!

God, but this pisses me off.

Why would you be so keen on non-existing? What is the desire, what is the attraction in proving that you are not really here, that life is not really here? What is it about this denial that makes you cling to it so?

Do you really, truly not want to be here so badly that you make yourself believe that there is no “here”? Do you really truly wish to believe that humans, plants, animals, waters and winds are just a figment of the collective imagination? Why?

Why … a good question, that, all those questions are not bad, but not good enough. The real question is: why does it make me so angry?

But then I know why.

It is because I did not want to exist. For the longest time I wished for the world to not be here. The world was a scary, painful place and I was too small, too hesitant, too broken to handle it. It was easier, much easier to believe that “all this is not real”. But I didn’t believe it, not really, and as I grew – so did the world. As I became stronger the world became friendlier. As I became braver the world became safer, until I became myself and the world became a paradise.

And now, when I hear some guru or another waxing eloquent on how this wonderful paradise does not really exists it just … God, it just pisses me off.

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