Playing house

February 5, 2011

When did you begin to feel the need to settle down in one place? Had the urge to move on, to go somewhere else, ever went away entirely? Because I am still feeling it, and with every decision to move I wonder how many of the rational arguments are there only to cover up the fact that I stayed in one place long enough, that I need to go. Not that I mind it, this need to go to another place. I have nothing that keeps me anywhere. I do not get attached to people and I chose a profession that doesn’t require me to be anywhere in particular. I organized my life around my need to move, because when I stay too long in one place … I get bored. It’s like playing house, like in my childhood. Building, organizing, decorating the fort was fascinating but, once the fort was built, sitting in it, playing in it, was boring. You know, all the normal parts of life: living, earning, spending, meeting, all those activities that fill people’s lives … for me … it’s not enough. But I have no access, yet, to that which would be enough. Working, eating, sleeping, all those things I do, but they don’t define me, don’t express me. It’s like brushing my teeth, making breakfast every morning … making a different breakfast every morning is more interesting than cooking the same dish day after day, just like starting life from scratch, in a new place, is more interesting than having the same life day after day. But still it’s not “it”, it’s just a distraction. And it’s not really about boredom, it’s more about the feeling of … futility, the feeling that it’s all just a game, just playing. And, like with every game, eventually it gets old and you want to play something else. But there is more to life, more than the game, only I don’t know what that is yet. And I will not know, because I’m distracting myself with inventing new games. And I need a new playground now, I am bored with this one. So we move. But I will find my game one day, game that will not be futile, one that will express me, engage me, become me. And then Chris will finally be able to relax because I will, at last, stop dragging him from one place to another.

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