A closet God

March 15, 2009

When I change the world changes. When the world doesn’t change I know I didn’t. I was in a full-blown neurotic reality for the last few weeks. Afraid of everything, all the time. I couldn’t sleep well, my thoughts were running obsessively in circles without rest, without stop. I was tired, so very tired of being alive, of being afraid. So very resigned that I though dying would not be such a bad thing after all. I have no problem with dying, remaining alive in a gray, scary world seems to be much worse than peacefully and irrevocably leaving it. I was not aware, of course, of what was happening until I met with Brooks and came back to myself, opened to who I am outside of the story of little Pausha. I would imagine I felt like an alcoholic does when he becomes aware, wakes up suddenly and sees what he did to himself and to his life. Looks at the bottle and thinks: “o my God, what have I done!” As I was waking up I could see exactly what I’ve done. I begun letting go of things, taking responsibility for things. I made a choice, over and over, to be who I am, not the story, not the trauma, not the fear. I would choose not to give in to the obsessive thoughts, I would choose not to indulge in the helpless fear, I chose to claim myself right in a middle of it. It took about a week for the fear to go away and the whole world changed. It wasn’t scary anymore, it was safe, protective. Life wasn’t gray and hopeless, it became full of possibilities, full of freedom, a perfect playground for a perfect Goddess. Everything changed, reality changed. Brooks told me: you are not living your life as who you are, this is why you keep collapsing. I thought about it for a while, I didn’t understand what he meant exactly by this statement, but the longer I was with it the more I could feel it, and I knew he was right. Who I am is not reflected in my life, as my life. My life is structured according to rules I was given by my parents, by the society. What I do in life and how I do it is controlled from outside of me. I am who I am – but by looking at my life you could never tell. God cannot stay long in the closet. She will either transform the closet into an open, endless, undefined playground for being whomever she chooses to be, or she will remain in the closet and soon forget about being God. Who I am is not separated from my life. Who I am exists in relationship with reality, with people, with nature, with the world. When I change the reality changes, the world changes. If he world doesn’t change, if reality doesn’t change, then I did not change. I dreamed the dream of being God instead, safely hidden in my closet.

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