Regret without regret

March 31, 2009

I took an Art of God class this weekend. It was very powerful. There were only three students and the work was very deep, very focused, very intense. We just kept going with hardly any breaks for talking. Opening, transforming, letting go of old trauma, becoming present in places we’ve never been present before, in places the reality was never present before. After 4 days of this focused, intense experience I can hardly remember what it is we were doing. I could probably figure out the general scope of what we worked on if I put my mind to it, but I simply don’t remember. My mind was hardly present during the class, it hardly registered anything. On Sunday evening, back at home and lounging happily in a bathtub, I thought that I’d like to enroll in some art classes. The idea seemed to come out of nowhere but, as I looked closely at it, I remembered that I wanted to go to an art high school when I was a kid. I didn’t. I was too intimidated, afraid that I wouldn’t be accepted, that I wasn’t talented enough. Then, in high school, I wanted to go to art academy … and I didn’t. I put aside myself as an artist so completely that I forgot it was even there. I became a psychologist instead. The art trickled out of me since I started working with Brooks. After few months of working with him I begun to draw again, after few years I became a professional designer, but it still was not the “real thing”, the real flow. It was still just a trickle, a small part of the creativity pent up, it was just what I really couldn’t hold inside that would come out to be expressed. I had no idea it was there, the whole part of me, of who I am, of who I an be in this reality, as a human being. I didn’t even remember it existed, I didn’t remember shutting it down. When I feel into it now it’s like being a 10 year old again, with her life before her right now, right here, in this moment. It is a strange feeling, like going back in time … or rather canceling time, opening to the opportunity to start all over again, having a whole different life, being someone else entirely, right now. It is a strange feeling, it is what I would imagine regret feels like only without pain. It is the realization that I could have done something else, could have explored, experienced, opened to a whole new me. There is no pain in this realization because there is no loss. I can do it, I can be it, I can experience it all, right now. Nothing is lost, there is no “bed time”, “good time”, “right time” nor “wasted time”. There simply is no time. I can be who I am, however I am, whenever I choose. I can explore who I am whenever I choose. There are no restrictions, no limitations imposed on me by reality, by time, by age. I don’t have to adjust my life to reality. I am who I am. All I have to do is to choose it, open to it, and the reality will adjust to me. So I’ve decided to enroll in some drawing classes and see what will happen.

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