Be careful what you wish for

October 1, 2008

I got something that I really, really wanted today. I was hoping for it, waiting for it, scheming to get it for nearly a year now – and today I finally got it. And I felt pretty bad about it. This “something” is a garage attached to my house. It’s been converted into a separate studio and rented out to someone else, before my husband and I moved in. We really wanted the garage, we really needed the additional space for Christopher’s office, we really got increasingly crowded working together in one, none too large, room. I couldn’t do anything to get it, it was the landlords decision and I didn’t want to do anything behind the back of the person who was renting it, a very nice person, but I sure did a lot in my head. I was scheming and plotting and imagining all kinds of stuff. Finally it came to be. The guy moved out, we started to move in … and I felt bad, uncomfortable, a bit guilty and definitely not as happy as I expected to be. There really wasn’t a reason for me to feel that way, I didn’t DO anything, I just wanted it to happen. And yet the feeling persisted. As I opened to what I felt, trying to find out where it was coming from, I realized that it is a left over, a hangover of sorts, of collapsing into my mind. Of focusing and narrowing my vision. This is mind’s way. It is in mind’s nature to orient outside, to control what it perceives as an outside reality, to “make things happen”, to get what it wants. It is also mind’s way to believe that controlling the outside reality is vital to it’s survival, that it will make it happy, fulfilled, whole. That there is something out there that is needed, that is missing, and it needs to be obtained. I realized that I spent a lot of time indulging my mind, allowing it to control how I felt about the garage situation. As I continued to look, regaining my presence, opening to who I am that has nothing to do with mind, I realized that all I could have done is remain present. All there is to do is to remain present. I realized that it is mind’s way to separate from, and to control, reality. it is God’s way to hold space for reality to open, for things to happen. When I am present to who I am, to who I am as God – I am the reality. There is nothing to control, nothing to organize, nothing to deal with, because it is all me. In a very real, very literal sense. Why would I try to constrict myself? Why would I try to force myself? Why would I try to manipulate myself? When all I need is to choose? There is an absolute peace and an endless space when I open fully to who I am. No need to do anything. To do anything would be to separate and constrict. To want something would be to separate and collapse I realized that when I want something, when I want one thing, I might get it. But when I am present as myself, when I am the reality, I have everything. I have the universe. When I try to control reality as mind I may force things to happen a certain way. When I remain present, when I am God, all I have to do is to allow things to open, to allow an unlimited amount of wonders and miracles to happen, to allow the universe to shower me with abundance beyond anything that my mind could even imagine it could want. Just like the kid in Matrix said: “don’t try to bend the spoon. Instead try to realize the truth – there is no spoon”.

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