but why is the rum gone?!

November 20, 2007

Have you ever noticed that you don’t seem to be growing “evenly”, that, while having a great spiritual practice, your every day life sort of doesn’t work? There is never enough money, you never quite get a chance to do what you would like to do (if you even know what that is), and I will not even get started on relationships! This has been an issue that was bugging me, nagging at me and otherwise harassing me since the beginning of my “spiritual practice” about 12 years ago. Very often while sitting in meditation, answering yet another koan, having yet another experience, I would wonder – what is the use of that? It is great, it feels great – but after it’s done I go home and everything is just as it used to be. It seemed to me that I had two sets of ideas about reality – one that came from my practice, which I believed to be true, and other, that came from society, education, habit, that I followed in life. It didn’t make any sense to me that this would be the case – but so it was. Knowing that I was not my ego or my ideas I would still get defensive, angry, controlling. Knowing that we are not this body, that we are the buddha nature (this was my zen period) I still grieved when someone died. Those were little, every day inconsistencies – yet they created the experience of my life, not the “once in a while” enlightening moments. What gave me a real insight into the nature of this problem was going through a near divorce experience about a year ago. For the very first time in my life I was on my own, by myself. Before there were always my parents, my family, and there was always a boyfriend. Always someone to lean on, someone that I knew would help. But this time it was just me. The man was leaving and all my family was in Poland. So here I was – me and my life. And in a face of that I’ve decided to take responsibility, full responsibility for everything. I worked hard on discovering the reasons that my relationship failed. I decided to focus only on me, on what I did that didn’t work – focusing on what he did was sort of a waist of time I thought, he was leaving after all 🙂 I decided to be a happy and powerful single woman. And so I paid attention to myself very closely, and every time pain would show up I would take full responsibility for It. What I mean by that is that I would look into the very root of the pain, back to my childhood, back beyond my childhood, and I would accept it. I would disregard any thoughts that started with: “he did…,” “he didn’t…”, “he should…”. There was just me, and whatever pain I felt – it was mine, and it came from me. I would not only take responsibility for my inside world but for the outside as well. Walking the dog, paying my bills, getting fed, fixing a toilet, calling a cable company to get them to fix things, screwing things to walls – all those things, no matter how big or small, were my responsibility. Because all those things created my life. This does not mean I wouldn’t ask for help – it means I did not EXPECT to be helped, I did not think I SHOULD be helped, I did not take the help for granted. When I asked for help I was perfectly okay with the person saying “no”. Because it was my life, I was responsible. As I continued to become what seemed to me the most responsible person on the planet, things started changing around me. I started getting clients, tons of them. So many in fact, that I had to quit my job to be able to handle my own business. For the first time since I can remember, possibly ever, I had the experience of not having to worry about money, it just kept coming in. And I was happy, really, really happy. But most importantly – I was not afraid. The constant fear that was always in the back of my mind was gone, the fear of life. The fear of not being able to survive. For the first time EVER I felt that it is good to be alive. The fear was gone because I took responsibility for my life. Maybe not completely, but much more than I’ve ever done before. I was in the creator’s seat. I was creating my life, I was not surviving it. I did not depend on anyone to deliver, I did not expect anyone to take care of me, I did not take it for granted that someone will help. Where before life was a somewhat scary space full of forces that I could not control, that I had to fit inside of, do the right thing or perish – now the life was me and my creation. And as it is said it would – the universe provided. I realized today that this is the answer to the “what is the use of it” question. The spiritual practice of any kind is a tool for us to realize who we are. Just realizing it doesn’t take us far though – we have to BE it. What does it mean to be God? Does it mean to sit on a cloud, snap your fingers and have whatever you want show up whenever you want it? Does it mean to grow beyond human reality and dwell in Nirvana? Or is it a realization that our reality is a direct expression of who we are. Every single aspect of every single situation is an expression of who I am. How people talk to me and what they think of me, how my dog behaves, how much business I get, how my boss treates me, how my body feels, whether I get stopped by a cop or not – everything is a direct expression of who I am. There is NOTHING inside of my reality that I have not created, by myself, for myself. My professional situation, my relationships, my finances – everything. The realization that I create every single aspect of my experience of life is the realization that I am God. I create the reality. No old guy with a long beard sitting in the sky or red guy with a pitchfork, not the government, the economy, the environment, the husband. It’s just me. This is a great responsibility to assume, this is also the ultimate freedom. The realization that you can do anything you want. That you DO anything you want 🙂

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Hellraiser November 24, 2007 at 12:15 pm

Phew, Reading this silly post was a real torment for me.
It’s obvious the Red Guy creates the reality, he has the full control and you’ve no effect on it. People are only unwitting slaves, humanoids, poor creatures condemned to everlasting hardships wtih no escape.


Pausha Foley November 24, 2007 at 3:31 pm

Hellraiser, life must be really hard for you


Hellraiser November 25, 2007 at 9:49 am

I don’t know, It’s rather similar to life of most of the damned. But yours must be very easy as you pretend to be a god and write so unbearable posts.


Pausha Foley November 25, 2007 at 4:26 pm

I wouldn’t say it’s easy, but I do my best to make it fun


Hellraiser November 26, 2007 at 3:14 pm

Why do you pretend to be a god? As far as I know the neither Jahwe/Annunaki (the rulers of Earth) nor the Galactic Federation do not know what exactly it is. Even the Earth’s creator and the creators of Universes don’t know it. The whole creation tries to find out what it is and who it is and a little girl from Ojai from California says “It’s me”. It’s ridiculous for me. I don’t believe you, and I won’t pray to you, unless you prove. It’s a very easy task, just turn back time to 1974 to the moment I was conceived and then arrange the whole story from the start.
And another question: how do you know the life should be fun? Maybe it shouldn’t? And if it should so why it’s usually
not fun?


Pausha Foley November 26, 2007 at 4:03 pm

It is said in some holly script that: “a little child will lead them” isn’t it?

But to answer your question – it is my experience that I am god, it is also my experience that you are one, and everyone else, and everything else. So no need for prayer, you might as well pray to yourself.

I don’t “know” what god is, I also don’t know that I am right, nor do I know what life should be. I am only sharing my thoughts and my way of experiencing reality.

In my experience life is what we make it, it is created by what we choose to believe it is. In my experience if one decides that life is hard, then life becomes hard.

It is hard for me to believe that life “should” be any particular way – there is so many different people and they have such completely different experiences of life – is one of them right and everyone else is wrong? I choose to make my life fun, cause it is more fun that way. I have decided that if I am here for some 80 years or so I might as well enjoy it. But it is my decision, everybody makes their own.

I was born only a year after you (haven’t thought of myself as a little girl for quite some time :), in communist Poland. It was cold, gray, there was no toilet paper, ever, and the city I lived in was dirty, noisy and nasty. I went through grade school, high school, university and off to work – cause that was what one did. That was the script to follow. I would be intensely miserable if I wasn’t so numb that I couldn’t feel anything anymore. Then I made some decisions, did some things differently, worked through all kinds of interesting aches and pains, and ended up in Ojai.

My life now has absolutely nothing to do with the previous one, it looks different, feels different, I look different and feel different. And so, having changed my life nearly completely, I don’t think anymore that it “should” be any particular way. It was one way, then I made it different. Seems to me that I can make it different again if I wish to. And it seems to me that everyone else can too, cause there is definitely nothing particularly special about me.

Why don’t they? Why is life not fun for them? It may be that they never thought of it, never thought they can change it, never thought it was up to them to decide. It certainly wasn’t a common knowledge where I grew up.

It may be that someone, sometime, will read my unbearable silly posts and say: “hey, I didn’t know that! I didn’t know that it is my choice whether I am happy or not! I didn’t know that I can create my life how I want it! Let’s try it!”


Hellraiser November 27, 2007 at 3:54 pm

I’ve triped you up, you’re only about 5 months younger not a year, and gods are never wrong.(nevertheless, it’s true I still think of you as a little girl)

Maybe your experience in not universal, maybe someone is destined to be a good and the other isn’t?
My experience is that if something can go wrong it will go. I always try to predict the worst cases and I’m right quite often.

You wrote, you left your nasty place to find a better place to live, but it can’t be a general solution, you live in a richest state of a richest country. Can you imagine the billions of people leaving their nasty, grey cities, towns, deserts, leaving their families, quiting work and looking for someting better? It would be a worldwide disaster, and your beautiful (I suppose) Ojai would be just trampled by millions of Chinese, Hindu and others (if they got visa of course).

It’s interesting how you descibe your home country and your home city. Don’t you exaggerate something? Is it really such a big difference, or there are other things that cause your life is so different?

I think that you’re wrong when you say there is nothing particulary special about you.

And what if someone wants to change his life in some more “difficult” way, for example I’d like to meet some extraterrestrial beings very much, the much more advanced races than people, to get to know their culture and science, their outlook. Is it possible?

What happens, assuming there’s more than one god, if they want conflicting things, for example if you wish all people die, what would happen then?

You think I should decide, choose if I want to be happy or not. But the truth is it’s not so important. The life is so short that it’s not a big difference. It might be a difference if I have to live for millions of years.

The real problem is that I lived about a half of this short life and I still have no idea who am I am, what am I, what is the reason I live here and why is this all happening, and I still haven’t found one valuable thing in this world, so how can I decide or choose anything knowingly.


Pausha Foley November 27, 2007 at 7:17 pm

Lots of questions!
I got a whole new post written as an answer, let me know if I missed anything


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