Change Changes Everything

May 1, 2013

It took me a while to realize this, and then it was only because it hurt. Badly. Life, world, me – everything hurt.

Let me be frank and straightforward, for this is not an occasion for fancy writing: Chris wanted a divorce. Once. He walked into the house, I remember it clearly, it was a sunny afternoon, a late summer afternoon in Ojai, in California. We lived in a bungalow with a living room wall made of windows. In the brilliant sunshine flooding the room I sat. On the couch. When he walked in and told me he wanted a divorce.

Oh, I can feel my chest tightening at the memory. A shadow of the pain. I did not expect it then. I sat stunned as my mind raced, struggling to keep up with this new development. It raced … into an unexpected direction. “Hurts!” it thought, then “accept, accept, this is happening” then “it’s … it might be a good idea actually…”

It took few minutes. Then I looked up at Chris. “This might be a good idea, actually” I said, “do you want to go have some ice cream?”

Of course it wasn’t over then, it was only the beginning, but I thought that it wasn’t such a bad thing because I was not happy. I would not admit it to myself, but when I had to know I knew that I was not happy. I put my life into Chris’s hands. I draped my responsibilities over his shoulders and left myself powerless, depended, scared and resentful, while it left him … but that was not important. I was important.

“I did this” I thought to myself, “I created this. This pain I am feeling now is mine pain. Chris did not hurt me, he did  not create those feelings. I did. This is my life killing me. This is my marriage falling apart. I made it and I will unmake it. I will heal it. I must heal it or else this will all happen again.”

This is what I decided and this is what I did. I healed. Myself.

I changed myself and my life changed with me. Showered with new clients, jobs, money, I  could do what I wanted. For the very first time in this life I was able to buy what I wanted, to quit the job I did not like, to work at home as I always wished I could.

I changed and my life changed.

And I was happy.

And Chris liked me like this, and we did not get divorced.

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