I can feel this. I am feeling it. I am here.

May 11, 2011

It hit again this morning. I found a spot behind my ear, it wasn’t there before … or was it? Was it smaller? Did it grow? Have I seen it? Could I have forgotten? The initial feeling of “this is okay, there is no need to worry about this” was swallowed by fear, quickly. Fear soon turned into terror and I froze. My insides froze, my head froze. A straight jacket of fear kept me stiff, rigid. I could not think, I could not speak, I could not live. But this is not the first time, this has happened before. This fear has happened before. My mind knows that, while my body is torn to shreds, gutted, burned by fear. I can’t do anything, I am frozen, I can’t move. But this has happened before. Is this it? This time, is this it? Is it cancer? Will I die? Now?! Now that everything is going so great, now that Chris creates amazing business deals, now that we are moving to Europe, now that the world lies at our feet, now?! Now will my life be reduced to running from doctor to doctor? From surgery to surgery? From one cure to another? Now?! Now would be the perfect time – my mind informs me. Now you have to grow, now you have to graduate. The world might be at your feet, but you have to grow big enough to carry it on your shoulders. Now is the perfect time for you to collapse. Chris might be creating an amazing opportunities, but now you have to support it, now you have to be present here. What better way to bring him down, what better way to bring you both down, back to where it’s safe, back to what you know. What better way than to fall apart, now? But what if this is real? What if this is not just my fear? Not just my hypochondria? What if? What if? What if! Thoughts are flying in frantic patterns, terrible thoughts, scary thoughts, doubts, stories, nightmares. I follow them and stop – I can’t do that, I can’t think this, I can’t think right now. Stop. I don’t think. I feel instead. The feelings are deep, grounded. The fear, the terror, now without the scattered thoughts, is settled and calm. I can feel this. I am feeling it. I am here. I can be here, I realize. I can be here and I can feel this. All of it. It doesn’t hurt to feel, without thoughts the fear doesn’t scare me. Without thoughts the pain doesn’t hurt. I am here. This is what will happen when I die, I realize. I will be here and the thoughts will be gone. I will be present, like this. I can do this now, I don’t need to wait. I can be here, present here, now. The feelings change, shift, open. Trauma moves. Anger, fear, hate, pain, moves slowly, majestically. I feel it, I am with it. The feelings don’t feel good, but I do. Safe, calm, grounded, present. Because I am here. The feelings are not what I am, though my thoughts would have me believe otherwise. The feelings are. I am. they move and change. I am. I can graduate here, I realize. I can not only be here, present, but I can grow here, I can open. I can move on. This is wonderful, I realize. This is wonderful.

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