Life is inside, not outside

November 13, 2008

I got a phone call from Brooks last night. He called me to tell me that I am loosing my God presence. He said it was something about the way I live. We talked about it, I said: usually when I loose myself my life collapses also, becomes very narrow, I get really focused on a detail and loose sight of the large picture. It doesn’t happen now. My life works, I get clients, I get money, I meet people, I have adventures. Brooks said: as you pay attention to the outside what is inside disappears. There is no inside and outside. But there is a distinction of who I am, who I identify myself with, what I consider me, and what my life is. It stuck with me. As I walked today morning I thought: life is inside, not outside. Who I am is life. There is a representation of me in reality, in 3d reality, but that is not who I am. Who I am is who I am. Life is who I am. Brooks said: you get busy, you have jobs, clients, things to do. Before you know it this is who you become. I thought: what is being alive about? It is about being, I saw. About being who I am. If the only expression of it is my body sitting in one place for 80 years then that is what it is, because life is inside, not outside. It is about being who I am – not about being the expression of who I am. There is a lot of pain there, a lot of trauma coming up as I write this. Being a visual person I see it as a picture: a crying girl who had all her toys taken away from her, all her favorite dolls gone, blankets lost, teddy bears will never be seen again. She has been told that life is inside, not outside. And she cries: but I loved my dolls so much! They were such good dolls! Such beautifull dolls! I am not this girl.

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