Paradise lost

I am not happy – I realized suddenly last night. It occurred to me that I am not striving to remain present, to be myself, in order to be myself. I do it to not fall, to not identify with my mind, to not merge with … whatever. I do it out of fear, I do it to protect myself from being constricted, controlled, lost. I do it to “be a good girl”. And so I opened, I became present as who I am just for the pleasure of it, for the overwhelming bliss that comes with it. It is who I am, this bliss, it is my natural state of being. Everyone’s natural state of being. There was trauma shrieking in my ears with thousand voices but, with all this noise, I was myself. I was God, beyond God. Myself. This morning, as I sat with my tea looking at the mountains surrounding Ojai Valley, I was myself still. The raging trauma subsided a bit, I was more present, more aware in my body. The awareness began to spread, it grew beyond my body, beyond my house, beyond the trees surrounding it, beyond the mountains. I could feel it. Being everything, everywhere, in my body, as my body. Beyond connection, beyond union, beyond belonging – I was everything. I am everything. And I though: separated as our mind is, it still tries to recreate this way of being, which is not available to it. From separation it tries to feel the union while falling in love, it tries to recreate the feeling of belonging by surrounding itself with others and holding them close, never letting go. Separated as it is it still tries to feel settled and grounded by fencing off a piece of reality and calling it “mine”, calling it “home”. It never quite works but … what else can mind do? There is paradise lying at my feet. There is a bliss and ultimate completion right here, right inside of me … my mind would have me turn my eyes away, look for it outside. But God is never outside. God is inside.