Really, you don’t understand the simplest thing!

December 4, 2008

When I was a child I used to have an “Alice in Wonderland” audiobook. I used to listen to it so often that some parts of it ingrained themselves firmly in my mind.. They tend to pop up once in a while, serving as a perfect commentary to whatever occurs in the moment. This is one of those unforgettable quotations, a story told by a Dormouse during a tea party. In my audio book it went like this: “Once upon a time there were tree sisters who lived at the bottom of the well “What did they live on?” asked Alice “Treacle” said the Dormouse “But why Treacle?” “Because this was was a treacle-well. Really, you don’t understand the simplest thing!” I had a session with Brooks yesterday and, as we worked, something all of a sudden occured to me. This revelation made me feel much like Alice in the quotation and I said to myself: really, you don’t understand the simplest thing! I did understand something, at last, and it made me oh so happy. I drove home laughing to myself all the way, from sheer happiness, because … I have found myself! After four years of intense and devoted zen practice, after nearly seven years of working with Brooks, graduating from his program, countless sessions and conversations, openings and realizations, I have finally found myself! Here is what happened: I sat in an armchair facing Brooks. I was opening to who I am, as God. I was fully accepting it and taking responsibility for it. Or rather this is what I was supposed to be doing – what I was doing was looking for a place, inside, where this awareness was located. I was searching for a place, a feeling, a sensation, that I could catch, grab onto, and know that this is who I am, right there. I was looking for something distinct, something decidedly God-ish. I couldn’t find it. Wherever I looked it was just mind, another concept, another seperation, another trauma. I would let go of it but then there was nothing, void, space, and I thought: I can’t hold this awareness, I can’t be this, it will float away like a smoke on the wind as soon as I open my eyes. And then it hit me: who is looking for the place? Who is searching for where I am? I AM!!! I am right here! I always was! Me, sitting in the armchair, right here, right now. I am here. Me, God, right here. Not a part of me, not a place in me, not a state of consciousness, not my aura or a higher self, or any other self, but me. Right here. Right now. I am right here. I am who I am. I am God.

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