March 31, 2010

Who I am doesn’t change This was my impossible idea for today. I woke up this morning, put the water on for tea, leaned against the fridge and looked inside for impossible ideas. There was quite a noise and commotion inside, I had silly dreams and there were voices and feelings and emotions all swirling … I looked and saw that it is all trauma, it’s not me. There was no movement where I was, only space. Space that doesn’t move, rather space that encompasses all the movement. And so I realized that who I am doesn’t change. So what does it mean? What does it mean for my life here on Earth? I read an exchange, a while ago, between a 16th century courtier at the court of Henry VIII, and a country squire. The courtier said: “you just don’t get what the life is all about”, and when the squire asked what is it, the courtier said: “more!”. I thought about it often. I thought about my life and how I don’t feel I need more – more money, more power, more recognition, more respect, more love, more safety, all the things that humans strive for. Then, one day, I went to an art class and made a drawing, using a technique I’ve never tried before. The teacher told me that I just found “my technique”, and I thought “no, this is too easy, too simple, there is no effort in this, no growth in this, therefore no interest in it for me”. That was a curious thought, it caught my attention, and I traced it to the bottom where I discovered that I do want more: more growth, more opening, more realization, more enlightenment. More! Today, leaning against the fridge, looking inside while my eyes roamed through the mountains and the ocean beyond, I realized that there is no “more”, there is no “less”, there is no “change” and there is no “growth”. Because I don’t change, because I don’t grow. Because I am. The mind can dart this way and that, it can spin complicated stories about developments and reorganizations, it can create ever more complex structures, but inside and outside of all this activity I am. I don’t change. So what does it mean? What does it mean for my life here, on Earth? It means that there is nothing to be done, it means that I can be, encompassing everything, the whole of reality. I can feel the earth in my body, and the oceans, in my blood, and all the living creatures in my skin, and the movement of the wind on my face … I can feel everything in ways I’ve never felt before, I can relate with everything in ways I never related before, I can be in the world in ways I’ve never been before – that is unlimited, that is beyond “more”, that is beyond “change”. There is a new world, new reality opening every day. Not because I do, not because I get, not because I change, not even because I grow – but because I am.

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