It’s not love if it hurts

May 29, 2010

I love the “Ally McBeal” TV show. I’ve been watching it back in Poland, and I am watching it again now. It’s about many things, this show, but mostly it is about love. Or what is called love. Or what is considered love. I watched an episode last night. It was about people wanting to get other people to be with them rather that with someone else, it was about who will get whom, away from whom, to be with whom. It was about who will have whom, who will get whom, and who will not. And everyone in the episode was unhappy. Literally everyone. And they all talked about love. It left me puzzled. I was trying to see what was this whole mess was about, the mess full of people wanting to get people, not wanting to lose people, thinking that they should get who they want, thinking they shouldn’t, thinking that the other one shouldn’t get someone because they should … What does all this have to do with love? I can see where the pain comes in, I can see where the frustration comes from, but love? What does all of this have to do with love? And yet all those people talked about love. They wanted to get someone because they loved them, they thought they shouldn’t get this person, someone else should have them, because someone else loved them first, but then the person who was “gotten” loved someone else entirely so they wanted to be gotten by someone else whom they loved, who felt that they have no right to get them, because someone else loved someone … the word “love” was used a lot. Love was the reason, the excuse, the justification, but love was not the point. The point was to get someone. I thought about this, I thought about love and what it really is, what it really means, because  what I saw in this episode did not convince me. What I see around me does not convince me. People in pain because of love, heartbreak because of love, suffering because of love – I don’t think so. I don’t think love causes suffering, I don’t think love causes heartbreak, I don’t think love causes pain. But not getting what one wants does. If I didn’t “get” whom I want it would hurt. But what does it have to do with love? “Is love getting someone?” I wondered, “does love mean having someone?” Do I love my husband because I have him? Would I stop loving my husband if he moved out? Would how I feel towards him change simply because he changed his address? I don’t think so. And If I loved him regardless of where he lives – then do I need him to live with me? do I need him to be mine? Do I need to have him? And if I love my husband regardless of whether he is with me or not, would him moving out hurt me? Why should it? But if I wanted to “have” my husband, then it would hurt if he left. But would the pain have anything to do with love? I thought about this and it occurred to me that love is in how I relate. Love is in how present, how open, how real I am with someone. When I am with Chris as who I am, as God, and I relate to him from this place then there is space, for both of us, to be who we are. Then there is a space for both of us to open completely, to express who we are fully, to open beyond who we are, to become even more ourselves and beyond ourselves. Then there is no trauma, there is no pain, there is no fear. There is only who we are, there is only God, there is only love. There is only love. This is a space, this love. A space we hold for each other. This is being in relationship, this love. Being in relationship with each other. This has nothing to do with “having each other”, this has nothing to do with “being together”. This has nothing to do with sharing a house, with sharing a bed. This has nothing to do with ages, genders and social institutions. It’s simply a way of relating. With everyone, with anyone, at any time. There is no pain in this. there is no space for pain, there is no space for suffering, there is no space for heartbreak. There is also no space for “having” anyone. There is only freedom, there is only happiness, there is only bliss, there is only love.

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