Retirement plan

November 7, 2010

Christopher chose to begin today by talking about retirement options. As our financial situation improves and we don’t have to struggle to survive, he thought it would be good put money aside, to invest, or buy some retirement plan, or something of the kind. I listened to him and it all seemed so wrong, the whole idea seemed so wrong when seen from the other side, the side we live our lives from. We never worried about safety, I thought, and said; we never worried about what will happen if…, we never imagined upcoming disasters and tried to protect ourselves from them, and the disasters never came, whatever happened we were always okay, I thought …. and said. I said more things – about how universe always provides, about how we don’t have to organize our lives from fear and follow the fear-based system, about how we don’t have to be scared of life and try to always be safe, about how everything always turns out well as long as we remain present, as long as we don’t loose ourselves. I was saying those wonderful things, those true, inspirational things, and I watched Christopher getting more and more angry and frustrated. And not at all inspired. Finally he managed to stop me and tell me what he had to say, which was that what I am saying sounds great, but there is such a layer of judgement underneath. He said that the way of life I am describing, the wonderful way of life, sounds wonderful indeed, except for the clear message that every other way is wrong. It sucked, hearing that. There was so much anger, so much furious denial that came up instantly, that I had just enough presence and control left to hiss “you are right” through clenched teeth, before I stalked out of the room. I sat on the porch and felt terrible, angry, humiliated, frustrated, insulted. I sat on the porch and felt terrible. But after the overwhelming storm of emotions subsided a bit I realized that I thought all those things I said, but I didn’t feel them. I was not being that which I was saying, I was just thinking it. I was thinking, talking, and I was being right … and scared. I thought that Christopher was wrong, I thought that he’ll continue being wrong and that he will make our life wrong, and I had to save him, fix him, correct him. I was not only right, in that place, I was righteous like hell. So I sat on the porch feeling myself, being myself. The anger and humiliation and frustration receded to manageable levels, and I started having ideas about retirement. I saw a little house with a garden, and peaceful days spent on writing, painting, tending flowers and weeding vegetable beds. Then I went beck into the house and told Christopher that I think the best way to invest into the future is to invest into being who we are, now. And he felt inspired, and we had a wonderful conversation about how we can open, and how we can grow, and who we can be in the world. And then it was obvious, to both of us, that when we truly are who we are, and who we can be, then our life will be wonderful, right now and in thirty years.

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