Can’t live with them, can’t live without them

June 10, 2008

What does one do with a conflict in relationship? How do they happen and why? How is it that people get angry, resentful or hurt without knowing why, stay that way for no apparent reason, in a middle of it all forget what even happened at the beginning? Relationships were always a mystery to me. Why do I have them? Why should I have them? Where does the dependency end and partnership begin? It seems very obvious, the answer to those questions. It’s about love, support, sharing, acceptnace, partnership. Most humans would agree that one’s loved ones should support one. Wouldn’t you agree? Your friends should love and accept you – that’s partly why you have them, right? It is equally obvious that I should be heard by my partner, that he should be concerned about my feelings, that he should give me what I need, because he loves me. If I don’t get all those things in relationship – why would I be in one? I just experienced a conflict in relationship. I was not heard, I felt that I didn’t get what I needed. And I felt I should get it. Because this is what relationship is about – me getting what I need, my partner getting what he needs. As long as we are even, all is good. While trying to sort out my emotions and feelings I realized that it all happens in mind. I realized that the whole conflict happened between two minds. My mind wanted something, needed something. His mind wanted something. Struggle begun – who gets what, who doesn’t, and why. Who is right, who is wrong. Mind talk. I realized that if I leave my mind out of it, if I come back to who I am – there is no struggle. There is no conflict, there is no need. I have no needs. I don’t need to be loved – I am love. I don’t need to be heard – there is nothing to say. I don’t need to be supported or accepted – I am God. This seems to be a totally different way of being in relationship, as God. Being in a place of absolute love, fulfillment, authority. Being oneself so fully and completely that there is no need. As Buddha said: we already have everything we need, and more. It seems to me that conflict ends when one gets in touch with that place. Even for a moment, just a glimpse of it – and all the problems and angers seem meaningless and silly. Conflict simply doesn’t happen when one is this place, when one is God. There is no conflict in God, there is no reason for conflict in God. Trying to solve, resolve, agree, explain, win, commit – all this has value and is helpful. Another way is to be oneself. Full, complete, perfect. Then there is nothing to resolve, nothing to manage, nothing to commit to. There is no need. What is there then? Why be in relationship at all? There is God being reflected by God. There is an absolute love multiplied, there is union that has no limits. Not because one completes another – but because one reflects another, one holds space of absolute freedom for another and it is not needed – it is a tribute, it is honoring the partner as who he is. Mind has no access to this place, this is where God gets to play.

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