My daily practice

June 5, 2008

I heard yesterday that I don’t do what I say I do. That I don’t act in alignment with who I say I am, with how I say I think and relate. I heard that I say one thing and then do quite the opposite. I was angry. I felt judged, accused, misunderstood, not received, not heard. I haven’t done much more than standing silently and glaring with fury at my accuser. There was no yelling, no hitting back, because at the back of my mind, behind all those emotions, there was a thought: what a great reflection this is for me! Even though I didn’t stay present enough not to go into emotional reaction I was, thank God, present enough to realize that all I hear means that I am not responsible enough. Not responsible enough for how I show up in relationship, for how I show up in the world. If I say “I am God, and this is how I am” and I hear “no you are not, you are just like everyone else”, this means to me that I am, in fact, like everyone else. This means to me that, from moment to moment, I don’t choose to be God, I just am me, my mind, without even noticing. But enough for others to notice. There is a choice, I realized, in every single situation. In every moment, with every confrontation, every relationship, there is an automatic pattern of behavior ready for me to snap into. My mind obligingly supplies me with templates: “oh, you are having a relationship conversation, this is how you react to that” or “oh, you need to ascertain your authority here? Here is how you do authority…”. Those templates don’t determine what I do in a situation, they determine who I am. In every situation they show me how to be, how to feel, how to respond. Templates that I’ve acquired throughout my life from my culture, from society, from my parents, teachers, friends, TV, books, and follow without realizing it. Unless I pay attention. When I pay attention I can recognize the moment of decision. In this moment I am me, only, free and unique, God. I am aware, in this moment, of a template of behavior being available to me, and I can choose: to be me, or to submit and follow the template. What does it mean that I am God? I am not God because I say I am. I am not God because I had an experience of being God once. I am not God because I had thousands of those experiences every day. I am God because in this very moment, in this very instant, I have made a choice to be God. From minute to minute, from second to second, there is a choice to be made: am I God? Am I my mind? This is not a question of what I am calling myself, this is a choice between who I am. When I am God the way I feel, perceive, relate, value is totally different than when I am mind. This is a profound choice, this is a choice that changes reality. This is a choice that I have to make every minute. Brooks says that eventually mind gets transcended and then there is nothing else that God. I am hopeful, but for now … This choice requires constant awareness, constant presence. In my experience this is the only requirement. Prayers, ceremonies, meditations, study … all this does not change the fact that it all comes down to the choice: who are you now? God or mind? Choose!

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