I have taken a vow, for myself and for the world.
The other day I watched a movie, a movie telling a story that dragged me back and forth through human trauma, through pain, suffering, sickness, delusion. A story that rubbed it in my face, shoved it down my throat and left me to die.
I left the theater in a daze, in a crowd of people laughing and speaking very loudly. Why were they laughing? There was certainly nothing humorous in that story.
I found my car, I got in. My hands were shaking, I was shaking. I was in shock, I realized, something terrible just happened to me and in my blank mind there was one question: why? And a thought: I will never, ever do this! [click to continue…] About Mind
I have taken a vow, for myself and for the world.
The other day I watched a movie, a movie telling a story that dragged me back and forth through human trauma, through pain, suffering, sickness, delusion. A story that rubbed it in my face, shoved it down my throat and left me to die.
I left the theater in a daze, in a crowd of people laughing and speaking very loudly. Why were they laughing? There was certainly nothing humorous in that story.
I found my car, I got in. My hands were shaking, I was shaking. I was in shock, I realized, something terrible just happened to me and in my blank mind there was one question: why? And a thought: I will never, ever do this! [click to continue…] 
We had a fight yesterday … and then I had a fight. Christopher said something and it sent my head spinning, my hands shaking and my blood racing, and I wanted to run and never come back.
We had an arrangement, Chris and I, for some time now. As our finances improved we’ve decided that I won’t pay my share of bills anymore, instead I focus on my drawing, and painting, and writing, and fixing my teeth.
This was a very hard arrangement for me to accept and yesterday, when Chris said what he said, my first thought was: this ends now! I will not do this, I can’t do this anymore, I have to have my life in my own hands, I have to be taking care of myself. No matter that there will be less time for art and less money for crowns, no matter that I will have to do what I don’t really want to do most of the time, no matter that my life will be turned around. I will have my self respect back, and that is worth much more than money! [click to continue…]
Christopher chose to begin today by talking about retirement options. As our financial situation improves and we don’t have to struggle to survive, he thought it would be good put money aside, to invest, or buy some retirement plan, or something of the kind.
I listened to him and it all seemed so wrong, the whole idea seemed so wrong when seen from the other side, the side we live our lives from. We never worried about safety, I thought, and said; we never worried about what will happen if…, we never imagined upcoming disasters and tried to protect ourselves from them, and the disasters never came, whatever happened we were always okay, I thought …. and said. [click to continue…]
I read a story today, written by a woman who found out that, due to her genetic code, she has about 80% chance of contracting breast and ovarian cancer. She chose, therefore, to have both her breasts and her ovaries removed. As a preventive measure.
I sat with this article all day today, rolling it this way and that. It seemed such a drastic reaction, such a heavy handed, barbaric reaction. “If your hand offends you, cut it off” sort of reaction. To mutilate oneself to prevent something that might not even happen.
But then it might happen. [click to continue…]
“How do you make decisions?”, someone asked me today, “what can you say about how to make decisions?”
“Do what you want”, I said, “and don’t do what you don’t want”.
It was all that I had to say about that, but I continued thinking about it, and looking, and considering, and I remembered an episode of a TV show I watched recently. In this episode a woman who has a wonderful husband, great and loving marriage full of romance and attraction, fantastic job, amazing son, is cheating on her husband. When the affair comes out, the husband asks her why she did it. And the audience asks the same question: why would she do it? She had everything, and everything she had was perfect. She had what others can only dream of, she had everything that makes people happy – and she messed it all up, she blew it … why?
Because it wasn’t enough, she said. Because once she had all of it … there was nowhere else to go, there was nothing else to do and, as her life became more and more confined to the perfection of her marriage, the marriage started to become a golden cage.
Any dream, no matter how beautiful, turns into a nightmare if we can’t wake up from it. [click to continue…] 
