What is organizing your life?

December 10, 2010

We had a fight yesterday … and then I had a fight. Christopher said something and it sent my head spinning, my hands shaking and my blood racing, and I wanted to run and never come back. We had an arrangement, Chris and I, for some time now. As our finances improved we’ve decided that I won’t pay my share of bills anymore, instead I focus on my drawing, and painting, and writing, and fixing my teeth. This was a very hard arrangement for me to accept and yesterday, when Chris said what he said, my first thought was: this ends now! I will not do this, I can’t do this anymore, I have to have my life in my own hands, I have to be taking care of myself. No matter that there will be less time for art and less money for crowns, no matter that I will have to do what I don’t really want to do most of the time, no matter that my life will be turned around. I will have my self respect back, and that is worth much more than money! So I thought, and it felt good. It felt powerful and present and responsible. And then I came back home and we talked, and the more we talked the more the clean-cut decision, the strong and powerful feeling begun to look …. silly. The more I listen to what Chris thinks about it, the more my decision to be independent became a decision to remove myself, to pull back. Back to a safe place where I feel powerful because there is no one who can reach me and challenge me there. It felt good, powerful, present and responsible, but it wasn’t. It felt good because it was safe and familiar, an old, well known pattern. I struggled with this yesterday, all over again, with how I felt, with what I was afraid of, with my judgements about the entire situation, about me in this situation, with the right thing to do, and the wrong thing to do … and then, as I brushed my teeth last night I realized that there is something more to me struggling, and digging, and questioning, than healing or looking for answers. There is more to my unwillingness to accept solutions that feel good if there is trauma looming in the background, than simply wanting to grow, to heal, to overcome. It’s about organizing my life. I realized last night that I have a choice as to what is organizing my life: my trauma or me. It might feel good to do what feels good, powerful, present and responsible, and ignore the fear in it, gloss over the reaction. It will feel good, but it will be trauma making the decision and that decision will shape my life. It will be trauma organizing my life. And when life is organized by trauma, how can it be anything else than a constant, painful struggle? Or I can deal with the trauma now, and allow my life to be pleasant, easy and supportive instead. I can organize my life myself.

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