Genius
I have taken a vow, for myself and for the world.
The other day I watched a movie, a movie telling a story that dragged me back and forth through human trauma, through pain, suffering, sickness, delusion. A story that rubbed it in my face, shoved it down my throat and left me to die.
I left the theater in a daze, in a crowd of people laughing and speaking very loudly. Why were they laughing? There was certainly nothing humorous in that story.
I found my car, I got in. My hands were shaking, I was shaking. I was in shock, I realized, something terrible just happened to me and in my blank mind there was one question: why? And a thought: I will never, ever do this! [click to continue…] 
I talked to a friend yesterday. She was telling me about my being an inspiration for her. She sees me as a wonderful being, it seemed, so free, so creative. I listened to her and thought that she was so wrong.
It felt so wrong that she should think so well of me when I know how messed up I am, when I know how many days I spend unable to move, unable to function, because of my fears, of my pain. It was so not right that she should think me so present and creative when I know that most of the time I sit in a corner with my hypochondria smashing me to the ground, when I know that I spend weeks at the time doing nothing but imagining another type of cancer I surely have and will die from, and being terrified into absolute immobility. [click to continue…]
I’ve heard Brooks saying that ever since I met him. The statement felt right, seemed right and made a perfect sense, so I agreed with it and took it as a fact, but yesterday, for the first time (as far as I can remember), I realized that the world truly is not like this, this is simply how I see the world.
I was walking back to my drawing class from a lunch break and looking at myself, and I realized that my life has fallen into the orderly pattern of work and time off, of not working on weekends, of worrying about being at my computer on time every day, of fulfilling my duties and meeting my obligations. [click to continue…]
