It is because I have no definition here” I stated one day over a cafe table. It was a late evening in the southern France and it was cold because it was winter and I wasn’t all that sure I wanted to be here. Leaving California and moving down here seemed like a great idea in the summer but now … I wasn’t so sure. Even though the dinner was sublime. But life wasn’t.
I did not feel good. I did not feel present and happy, and having taking a look I came to the conclusion that what I felt was the discomfort of having no boundaries, no ground, no definition, no structure. No persona.
I knew who I was in Poland. There was a person called Patrycja in Poland, one that fitted into the background, that could be described, defined.
I knew who I was in California. It was a whole different me because it was a whole different place. I enjoyed being that person.
Here I don’t yet have a person to be. Here, in France, I don’t yet have my place, my niche, my structure. Here I am undefined, unconstricted, boundless. And it is uncomfortable.
“But it will change with time, right?” my husband asked, hopefully “you will build another structure here eventually”.
“Yes, yes I will” I said …
or maybe, just maybe … I won’t.
Maybe there is no need to be another person, another face, another name
maybe here, maybe now,
I can just be
unlimitedness.
