I can think of nothing to write. My mind is blank, my thoughts noticeably absent. Oh, I could still talk, of course. I could fill this void with fancy words sounding profound while meaning nothing, they might give the emptiness a convincing cover. But, visible or not, the fact remains: I have nothing to say on the subject of happiness motivating … my own experience.

Have I experienced acting, creating, designing something that has not been done before not to address a need, not to relieve pain, not to heal suffering, but because I was happy? Have I developed, organized or given life to an unknown thing, or a way, or a being that was nothing more and nothing less than an expression of my joy?

Now that I ask, I see that I have. I tried to think at first of a project, of a thing, and I could see  none. But now that I ask, I see I was looking in the wrong places.

I have indeed designed something that has never been seen before. I have created something out joy and happiness. Yes, there was trauma at first, but only once healed I could have built what I have built, and make it original and unique and unlike anything else ever made:

my life.

“How was it for you after you came to understand that even consciousness was not real? What happened at that particular moment? Did something very unusual happen?”

“What a good question!” I thought as I read it. It was asked of me, presenting me with a golden opportunity to share my deep wisdom, to reveal my profound insight, to astonish the audience (of one, admittedly) with my subtle and precious understanding of the sacred and marvelous nature of the holy Universe and what did I do? I started talking about my divorce!

No godly words came to mind, I have not spoken of “awareness,” “consciousness” or any other “sacred” stuff.

Instead, I spoke of responsibility.

And as I wrote my answer, much to my surprise, I realized that it was right: responsibility is what changed me, what changed my life, what changed the world.

All the sacred teachings I heard and read, all the mysteries of meditations, ceremonies and various spiritual adventures, all the wise words spoken by others were nothing. Absolutely nothing if they did not lead me to responsibility. Responsibility for myself, responsibility for life, responsibility for everything.

It was in that moment, when I said: “I am doing this. This is me and I create” that I understood that even consciousness was not real. And how was it for me after this moment?

The world changed after this moment. It became my playground, my wonder and my creation, because I have claimed for myself the most sacred, most holly and the deepest of all deep and mysterious powers:

responsibility.

When did it being? That I remember. It was high, high up in a mountain wilderness. I walked down a path, across a small pine grove. The trees stopped me. They spoke to me, wanted to know who I was.

Then there was an oak tree, a huge oak that grew in a park behind my house, a mother tree. Not as sharp, not as vigilant as the pine, but nourishing and comforting. It took care of me, it held me when the pain of my divorce threaten to overwhelm.

And there was a mountain, a mountain that was as present, as warm and comforting as a huge, purring cat. And as sharp. It showed me how to be alive as a human, it taught me presence. And then another mountain, in another place, that took me a step farther…

I do remember when it began. I do remember when nature begun to shift from a collection of objects, things that existed to create a pleasant setting for my life. I do remember the beginning, but when did I become its student, its partner, it’s ally … that I don’t remember exactly.

I do not quite remember the moment when nature and I became friends.

“When you awaken, the personal self has been destroyed” he said.

“All that has been completely annihilated” he said.

“No, not really” I thought.

The personal self is still there, only now you are clear that you are not it. It will fade away eventually, from disuse, if you don’t use it, but it is there. And why not?

There is no need to destroy it. There is never any need to destroy anything, to annihilate anything so long as you can see, clearly see, that you are not it.

As long as you see what you are, as long as you are what you are – there is never any need to exclude anything.