wisdom from the bathtub cnt.

August 26, 2007

The more I think about it, the more reality opens… The reality of relationships. I had trouble with relationships always. Not only romantic ones, any time other humans were involved problems would pop up. Main problem for me was the feeling of not belonging, not fitting in, not being able to find a common ground, in short – not being able to relate. I always thought of myself as this weirdo that should keep her mouth shut cause people will not be able to deal with what goes through her mind and they’ll decide that she’s crazy. This is how it looked like from inside the box, from inside my mind, this is the flea speaking. Now, looking at it from outside the mind, I can see that what I’ve been doing is trying to find other minds that would fit mine, I was not looking for relationship with another human being. I have created a mind for myself, I have created a persona, an ego, however else we’d like to call it. I have gained some defined characteristics. My name was Patrycja, I was Polish, I didn’t watch TV, I was the snobbish european intellectual, I didn’t like sports, I loved books, preferred cats to dogs … I could go on and on and on describing who I was, and who I wasn’t. Having created this box for myself I set out to search for other boxes that would fit mine. So I could feel comfortable, so I would know my box must be a good one, since others have the same one. I wanted nothing to do with different boxes, they could make a hole in my box – God forbid – and where would that leave me?! Open to danger, helpless. This is what I meant by mind-to-mind relationship, the relationship of two boxes. My problem was in creating box so unique (in my opinion :), that I could hardly find anyone who could fit. But enough of that, as Brooks says. When I realized that this is what was going on, when I realized that I am God, and so is everybody else, that the boxes, even though still there, have no meaning and no importance – I felt wonderfully free. Free from the necessity to guard myself, from having to always keep my eyes open, always pick and choose, always judge. I can rest now in the absolute safety that comes from realization that I am God, surrounded by Gods. Only Gods. There are no friends and enemies, good people, bad people, smart people, stupid people. There is God. if this isn’t the ultimate safety in relationship then I don’t know what is 🙂

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