A zen teacher had an affair with his student. It was a long time thing, lasting for some years. During this affair he also had other mini-affairs with other students, multiple students, who knows how many students. Besides having affairs, he was teaching, developing new ways of practice, new techniques that some found difficult to accept as legitimate. He was introducing new ways of being and that does not go down easily within an old, old tradition with a structure unchanged in thousands of years.
He was introducing new ways of being in all areas of life.
[click to continue…]
When did you begin to feel the need to settle down in one place? Had the urge to move on, to go somewhere else, ever went away entirely?
Because I am still feeling it, and with every decision to move I wonder how many of the rational arguments are there only to cover up the fact that I stayed in one place long enough, that I need to go.
Not that I mind it, this need to go to another place. I have nothing that keeps me anywhere. I do not get attached to people and I chose a profession that doesn’t require me to be anywhere in particular. I organized my life around my need to move, because when I stay too long in one place … I get bored.
[click to continue…]
I have taken a vow, for myself and for the world.
The other day I watched a movie, a movie telling a story that dragged me back and forth through human trauma, through pain, suffering, sickness, delusion. A story that rubbed it in my face, shoved it down my throat and left me to die.
I left the theater in a daze, in a crowd of people laughing and speaking very loudly. Why were they laughing? There was certainly nothing humorous in that story.
I found my car, I got in. My hands were shaking, I was shaking. I was in shock, I realized, something terrible just happened to me and in my blank mind there was one question: why? And a thought: I will never, ever do this!
[click to continue…]
Few days ago I drove through Santa Barbara in the early afternoon. The sun was golden, the leaves were golden, the world was glowing with such riot of brilliant colors that I snapped out of whatever I was thinking about, and I looked.
And as I looked, as I smelled and felt the world, I realized that I am here, right now, and the world is wonderful, the life is wonderful, I am wonderful, everything is wonderful.
In this moment there was no meaning, no plan, no future or past, no need. I was not thinking, I was being, and my entire life was full and complete in this moment, because I was in this moment.
This is life! That’s what I realized in that moment: this is life.
[click to continue…]
We had a fight yesterday … and then I had a fight. Christopher said something and it sent my head spinning, my hands shaking and my blood racing, and I wanted to run and never come back.
We had an arrangement, Chris and I, for some time now. As our finances improved we’ve decided that I won’t pay my share of bills anymore, instead I focus on my drawing, and painting, and writing, and fixing my teeth.
This was a very hard arrangement for me to accept and yesterday, when Chris said what he said, my first thought was: this ends now! I will not do this, I can’t do this anymore, I have to have my life in my own hands, I have to be taking care of myself. No matter that there will be less time for art and less money for crowns, no matter that I will have to do what I don’t really want to do most of the time, no matter that my life will be turned around. I will have my self respect back, and that is worth much more than money!
[click to continue…]
A zen teacher had an affair with his student. It was a long time thing, lasting for some years. During this affair he also had other mini-affairs with other students, multiple students, who knows how many students. Besides having affairs, he was teaching, developing new ways of practice, new techniques that some found difficult to accept as legitimate. He was introducing new ways of being and that does not go down easily within an old, old tradition with a structure unchanged in thousands of years.
He was introducing new ways of being in all areas of life. [click to continue…] 
When did you begin to feel the need to settle down in one place? Had the urge to move on, to go somewhere else, ever went away entirely?
Because I am still feeling it, and with every decision to move I wonder how many of the rational arguments are there only to cover up the fact that I stayed in one place long enough, that I need to go.
Not that I mind it, this need to go to another place. I have nothing that keeps me anywhere. I do not get attached to people and I chose a profession that doesn’t require me to be anywhere in particular. I organized my life around my need to move, because when I stay too long in one place … I get bored. [click to continue…] 
I have taken a vow, for myself and for the world.
The other day I watched a movie, a movie telling a story that dragged me back and forth through human trauma, through pain, suffering, sickness, delusion. A story that rubbed it in my face, shoved it down my throat and left me to die.
I left the theater in a daze, in a crowd of people laughing and speaking very loudly. Why were they laughing? There was certainly nothing humorous in that story.
I found my car, I got in. My hands were shaking, I was shaking. I was in shock, I realized, something terrible just happened to me and in my blank mind there was one question: why? And a thought: I will never, ever do this! [click to continue…] 
Few days ago I drove through Santa Barbara in the early afternoon. The sun was golden, the leaves were golden, the world was glowing with such riot of brilliant colors that I snapped out of whatever I was thinking about, and I looked.
And as I looked, as I smelled and felt the world, I realized that I am here, right now, and the world is wonderful, the life is wonderful, I am wonderful, everything is wonderful.
In this moment there was no meaning, no plan, no future or past, no need. I was not thinking, I was being, and my entire life was full and complete in this moment, because I was in this moment.
This is life! That’s what I realized in that moment: this is life. [click to continue…] 
We had a fight yesterday … and then I had a fight. Christopher said something and it sent my head spinning, my hands shaking and my blood racing, and I wanted to run and never come back.
We had an arrangement, Chris and I, for some time now. As our finances improved we’ve decided that I won’t pay my share of bills anymore, instead I focus on my drawing, and painting, and writing, and fixing my teeth.
This was a very hard arrangement for me to accept and yesterday, when Chris said what he said, my first thought was: this ends now! I will not do this, I can’t do this anymore, I have to have my life in my own hands, I have to be taking care of myself. No matter that there will be less time for art and less money for crowns, no matter that I will have to do what I don’t really want to do most of the time, no matter that my life will be turned around. I will have my self respect back, and that is worth much more than money! [click to continue…] 
