Him: Tolerance of intolerance is cowardice.

Me: No, tolerance of intolerance is an actual tolerance. It is not hard to be tolerant of that which we approve of. The real meaning of tolerance is to accept that which we don’t approve.

Him: No, tolerance of intolerance is cowardice. Tolerance of differences in ideas and in traditions is a good thing, but the degradation of any people requires speaking up.

Me: There are limits to tolerance then? Who decides what is “degradation of people”? There are some who believe homosexuality is degradation of people and they speak up against it, there are those who believe Christianity is degradation of people, western lifestyle is degradation of people, and they fight against it.

If we only tolerate that which we find tolerable or acceptable, where is the courage in that?

If we only tolerate that which is close enough to our truth, our ideas, our ways, for us to feel comfortable with — how is that tolerance at all?

“It is such an unsettling feeling, you know” I told my husband this afternoon. The day was unseasonably bright and warm and we turned our faces to the sun. A cup of tea, a coffee and the leisure of French Saturday made this moment a perfect one for sharing confidences.

“When I am with men” I shared “when I relate with them without flirting, without a slightest sexual connotation, when I am simply their partner – I feel strange, both comfortable and … unwomanly.”

“What does make me a woman? The sexual aspect, the motherhood? Without it — what does it mean that I am a woman?

“But you know” I continued “I do not feel like I’m a woman, of course I do not feel I’m a man, I almost feel like something else, something that includes both male and female, something that goes beyond those distinctions. Frankly, I think of myself as “it”.

It does feel very real, much more so than defining myself as only one or the other.

But it is quite unsettling.

“It is because life is real here” I said “and it feels good to live it”.

Here you put your hands in the dirt with no fear of germs, you handle your meet raw and bloody and you cut off the chicken’s head yourself and when a stream crosses your path you stoop down and drink the water.

Here you say what you mean to say and if there is an upset then you are upset. You fight, you argue, you yell and scream and make peace and make love.

Life is real here.

There – there is a padding between you and reality, a protective space between you and life. There everything is clean, sterile, sanitary, carefully cut and packaged.

There your thoughts are carefully prepared, your words are presented in such a way that no one takes offense. There there is no anger. There there is no passion. There there is no love.

Here life is real.

There … it is a game.

It was done in self defense, you know. The pain was too great and I had to face it, or die.

“There is no pain” I heard from the mouths of my teachers, “it is an attachment” they said, “it is when you lose yourself”. “this is not what you are. You are God. You are Buddha”.

They said it, I repeated it, I said I believed it but … when Christopher decided to leave me all there was was pain, I was a crushed little human in pain and all the wise words were worthless.

“This is the time, this is the very moment to make them worthwhile” I decided, and I begun to believe. I dusted off the old prayers, the wise words, the sage lessons and I decided to believe them.

I decided to live as though I believed what I said I believed. As though I believed it indeed.

“I am not this trauma” I told myself once every minute. “This is not what I am” I told my pain every moment. “What I am is nothing other than joy and bliss” I stated over and over while letting my pain float away and my trauma leave. They were not what I was, I did not care where they went.

“I am God” I would say, and the small, crumbled human woman stood up straight and squared her shoulders.

“I am God” I would say, “I am my life,” and my life stood up straight and squared her shoulders.

The trauma fled, the pain was gone and only bliss and happiness remained. Only I remained.

I have changed, my life has changed and the world has changed.

When I chose to change it.