It scares me, posting this image. Because of the expected outraged response? Because I bravely poked my finger into an eye of a taboo and now brace myself for the upcoming criticism and condemnation? No, not quite. And no, not because I  am beyond such trivial matters as the opinions of others, not because I “really don’t care what others think of me”. No, I do care. But I do not delude myself -the criticism will likely not come because  likely no one will read this.

But I babble. I babble, because I am scared. I am scared because I am poking a finger into an eye of my own taboo. A few of them, in fact.

Yes, I would like to believe myself completely present and fully aware of the nature of death. I would like to believe myself at peace with it’s prospect. I would like to see myself grown beyond the delusion of death being the end of me. I would like to believe all those things and yet here I am, scared.

Because right here, right within me there is the old belief that death is an end. The end of me, the end of life, the end of everything. Because, accompanying it, there is the notion that death is a tragedy. And then there is the taboo, the prohibition, the unbreakable rule: death is not to be talked about. Death is not to be mentioned in anything other than the most respectful and mortified of whispers and, above all, death will not be enjoyed!

And so here I am, with my finger rooted firmly right in the middle of my taboos, sending ribbons of fear shooting up my spine and knotting around my belly.

And yet, and even so, what sends a shock of real terror straight into my chest, right through my heart, is the thought of there never being any death at all.

“The Power – to have everything good in life – is inside you.”

“Everything is possible, nothing is impossible. There are no limits. Whatever you can dream of can be yours, when you use The Secret.”

“Using the Law of Attraction to “get” the things we believe we need: houses, cars or other goods.”

“Journey to an authentic abundance consciousness. If you wish to attract more goodness into your life in the form of comfort and ease, peace, joy, love …”

Everything you ever wanted … everything you ever missed … you can get. Once you get in touch with who you are. I heard this so many times, from different directions, from different lips, until one day it occurred to me to wonder: the people, the great ones, the actualized and revered enlightened masters, those that found their real selves undoubtedly – Christ, Buddha, Anandamai Ma, Ghandi, Ramana Maharshi, all the others…

… they were homeless. They had nothing.

” I believe that in an approximate near future, we – may – all have nothing else to think about. I’d like to think that my concerns are only a projection of my own fears, but with time, these concerns are revealing themselves to be somewhat legitimate” my friend wrote in an email, a list of websites followed. Websites that specified what one should stock up on in preparation for surviving the impending global disaster.

“I personally go for really enjoying my life now, and being ready to really enjoy my life after a disaster. After all, no matter what happens, we can always be present with it, right?” I responded.

“Wrong” said my friend.

“life is very hard when we populate the world with monsters” I answered.

“We are in a near future ALL going to become monsters because there will be no food, money or water. And even from your little dungeon over-looking the ocean, doing your little Art work, living with your little insecure husband and having constructive relationships with your clients and being so ever present, you will become a monster like everybody else. And all your illusions will vanish and all your progressions will fade and your sense of God-ship will invert. Because we’re all going to be FUCKED…” and off it went for quite a few paragraphs. A spirited argument in defense of the doom, the breakdown, the catastrophe. The pain, degradation and fear. “Why would he think my husband is insecure?” i wondered. He is one of the most confident men I’ve met or heard of so far…

“Well, you say we will all be fucked, I say I will be ok. I will not speak for the entire world, I will speak for myself: I will be okay, because that is my choice.” I stated calmly and reasonably, I thought.

“I am sorry Pausha, I downloaded. I am just tired of borrowed language.” he wrote back, “I had just came back from the welfare office where I applied. Time at which I wrote my emails. I can’t seem to get a hold on life.”

“Ah” I though “it is not the world coming to an end then. It is your world.”

I love you? No, it doesn’t sound right, it doesn’t feel right. It is that I see you, I am with you.

Yes, that is it: I am with you. I am present with you.

I am here, what I am, open and present and I feel you here, in this way, from this place. I am myself here and I can see you. I can see you clearly.

Here, this is beyond mind, this has nothing to do with feelings, needs, insecurities and comforts. I do not need to have you. I do not need anything from you. This is not about you. I am present with you, I see you as what I am because I choose to. Because this is how I choose to relate with you.

And that you are open to this relationship, that you can be present with me as well – this creates space for us to grow limitlessly, to graduate what we are, over and over, to open endlessly. Being present here, as what we are, relating as what we are, transforms reality.

This I call love: this choice to be present here with you, as what I am, only.