I have taken a vow, for myself and for the world.
The other day I watched a movie, a movie telling a story that dragged me back and forth through human trauma, through pain, suffering, sickness, delusion. A story that rubbed it in my face, shoved it down my throat and left me to die.
I left the theater in a daze, in a crowd of people laughing and speaking very loudly. Why were they laughing? There was certainly nothing humorous in that story.
I found my car, I got in. My hands were shaking, I was shaking. I was in shock, I realized, something terrible just happened to me and in my blank mind there was one question: why? And a thought: I will never, ever do this! [click to continue…] musings
I have taken a vow, for myself and for the world.
The other day I watched a movie, a movie telling a story that dragged me back and forth through human trauma, through pain, suffering, sickness, delusion. A story that rubbed it in my face, shoved it down my throat and left me to die.
I left the theater in a daze, in a crowd of people laughing and speaking very loudly. Why were they laughing? There was certainly nothing humorous in that story.
I found my car, I got in. My hands were shaking, I was shaking. I was in shock, I realized, something terrible just happened to me and in my blank mind there was one question: why? And a thought: I will never, ever do this! [click to continue…] 
Few days ago I drove through Santa Barbara in the early afternoon. The sun was golden, the leaves were golden, the world was glowing with such riot of brilliant colors that I snapped out of whatever I was thinking about, and I looked.
And as I looked, as I smelled and felt the world, I realized that I am here, right now, and the world is wonderful, the life is wonderful, I am wonderful, everything is wonderful.
In this moment there was no meaning, no plan, no future or past, no need. I was not thinking, I was being, and my entire life was full and complete in this moment, because I was in this moment.
This is life! That’s what I realized in that moment: this is life. [click to continue…] 
We had a fight yesterday … and then I had a fight. Christopher said something and it sent my head spinning, my hands shaking and my blood racing, and I wanted to run and never come back.
We had an arrangement, Chris and I, for some time now. As our finances improved we’ve decided that I won’t pay my share of bills anymore, instead I focus on my drawing, and painting, and writing, and fixing my teeth.
This was a very hard arrangement for me to accept and yesterday, when Chris said what he said, my first thought was: this ends now! I will not do this, I can’t do this anymore, I have to have my life in my own hands, I have to be taking care of myself. No matter that there will be less time for art and less money for crowns, no matter that I will have to do what I don’t really want to do most of the time, no matter that my life will be turned around. I will have my self respect back, and that is worth much more than money! [click to continue…]
The reality has shifted. I discovered it yesterday.
There is a story I was working on since last year, since the day I wandered over the mountain trails at twilight and a story came to me, whole and complete. It was a story about the end of the world.
There was something in the story, something that grabbed me. It was a variation on the apocalypse theme, with Earth shifting and changing rapidly to regain it’s balance, and human world being destroyed in the process. Cities were burned, leveled, flooded by tsunamis, wild fires, volcano eruptions, earthquakes. It was an epic story about reality changing. [click to continue…]
Christopher chose to begin today by talking about retirement options. As our financial situation improves and we don’t have to struggle to survive, he thought it would be good put money aside, to invest, or buy some retirement plan, or something of the kind.
I listened to him and it all seemed so wrong, the whole idea seemed so wrong when seen from the other side, the side we live our lives from. We never worried about safety, I thought, and said; we never worried about what will happen if…, we never imagined upcoming disasters and tried to protect ourselves from them, and the disasters never came, whatever happened we were always okay, I thought …. and said. [click to continue…]
